RaZr: Romance is a Battlefield 1

Romance is a Battlefield

Red sat at the table, only his arm keeping his head from slamming down hard onto the surface. He was bored, yet… his conflicted thoughts managed to keep him entertained as he stared at the blank computer screen. It was another eventless day and the excitement was dimming down from the past few weeks of constant invasion. Now all Red got to do was sit and do nothing, hoping that someone, anyone, would send him a transmission just to keep him busy. But… nothing.

At this point, he was willing to blow something up just so that tension could rise up again. Though… he wasn't prepared to blow up a piece of his own ship. That would just cause an amazing amount of chaos, something that he would not want to clean up on his own.

"What are you thinking about?" someone mumbled beside him. Red looked up at Purple. There was a doughnut stuffed into his mouth, and it looked like he was prepared to eat another one, though he stopped himself. "What are you thinking about?" he asked again, his mouth clearer the second time around.

"Don't worry about it," Red said. He let out a heavy yawn. "It's nothing important." In reality, what Red was thinking about wasn't truly important, yet it continued to haunt every fiber of his brain.

It was about romance, in truth. He didn't want to admit it to anyone, especially since he was raised purely to know that romance and love was taboo. That romance is a battlefield where everyone loses in a pit of their own blood. That's what he thought when he was a smeet and a student in the Academy. Yet, now that he was an Almighty Tallest, second-in-command only to The Brains, he felt much freer to have unusual thoughts like these.

And yet, how much freedom was too much. He was an Almighty Tallest. Shouldn't he be a role model?

"Well, whatever it is, it's clearly bothering you," Purple said. "You have that face, you know. It's not the bored face, it's the 'I'm going to blow something up soon if I don't feel better' face."

"If you know so much about me, then why don't you tell me what I'm thinking," Red said.

"Is it really that bad?" Purple asked.

"I can't describe it…" Red said. "Besides, you do the same thing. I know you do."

"Yeah, but you know what I do?" Purple lifted up his bag of doughnuts and said, "Instead of brooding on it like you do, I just grab a bunch of doughnuts and I feel so much better about myself."

Red blinked, continuing to keep his eyes on Purple. He wanted to say something snarky, but he knew that Purple didn't deserve that. He actually felt that he needed to express his thoughts, Purple would definitely be the one to do so. "Give me the bag."

Purple smiled and happily obliged, allowing his bag of doughnuts to go onto the table before sitting down across from Red.

Red took a hand-full of doughnuts and stuffed it into his mouth before letting it sink down with a bit of his irken cola.

Purple chuckled and ate a few more doughnuts himself. "So, are you going to tell me what's on your mind? Or are you just going to continue to sit here in awkward silence."

Red thought for a moment, then said. "You first."

"Alright, fine. But you better promise that you'll speak up after this. What I'm about to tell you is really… strange, so I deserve a good story."

"Fine," Red responded.

Purple nodded. He scratched at his left eye before bluntly saying, "I've been thinking about that… love junk stuff. Especially after what we saw last week."

"A couple of irkens kissing, which prompted others to do the same?" Red asked. "That image will be permanently branded into my mind. They're going to be scolded and made fun of for the rest of their lives, and I of course threw in an insult or two."

"I did, too," Purple said. "But…"

"It got you thinking, too?" Red asked, revealing his thoughts.

"Yeah…"

"Romance is a battlefield," they both said at the same time. They chuckled at the thought. They took the same class together and remembered the way their professor said it. So dignified and snarky, almost as if he was an expert on the subject. Though, he insisted that he was never a part of any romantic situation ever in his life. Red and Purple never believed him.

"My problem is that I feel like there's something I don't get about it," Purple said. "I know what I like and I know what I dislike. If so many species indulge in such a thing as love, then why are irkens so against it?"

"We're invaders, that's why," Red said proudly. "Our primary objective is galactic conquest. Something tells me that love can only get in the way."

Purple chuckled. "I love it when you sound so dignified. It's funny."

"I have to be dignified," Red said with a sigh. "It's a part of being a Tallest."

"Yes, but we can have our fun," Purple said. "Remember when you were fun?"

"Remember when you were fun?" Red retorted.

Purple raised his hands innocently. "Fine, fine. If you don't want to talk to me right now, I get it. I'll be taking my doughnuts." Purple grabbed the bag and started to leave.

"Purple, wait," Red said. "I didn't mean it like that."

"Forget about it, Red," Purple said. "Take a day to cool down, alright? Shoot an irken into space for no reason. Grab a cup of coffee. Pummel Zim. You know… the fun things we used to do."

Red wanted to respond, but Purple was too far away and he didn't want to yell. He sighed. "Yeah, he's right," he whispered to himself. He looked up at his computer screen again, then down to the irkens controlling the whole ship. He knew that they couldn't hear Red and Purple's conversation. After a small… incident, they made sure of that.

Red stood up and yelled out, "Send a transmission to Zim on Earth and relay it over to my private quarters."

"Yes, my Tallest," one of the irken controllers said before pressing a few buttons to start a transmission with Zim.

Red began to walk back to his room, which was close to the bridge. He stepped inside and closed the door, awaiting the transmission that would hopefully start soon. Red knew that he wanted to unwind, and he figured that Zim would be the best candidate for the job. Though, not in the traditional sense.

After a few moments of impatient waiting, Red finally saw Zim's face pop up on his screen. He saluted like he normally did with a big smile on his face. "Hello, my Tallest. What glorious thing do you need from Zim?"

"I need a little bit of time with you, Zim," Red said. "I think there are a few things that we need to discuss."

"Oh yes, my Tallest," Zim said. "I have a diabolical plan to get rid of the stupid humans, but it can wait some time so that I can talk with you, my Tallest." He gave a solemn grin. "What is it that you would like to talk about?"

"I don't mean now," Red said. "I would like to go to Earth and talk to you in-person. Can we have that arranged?"

Zim simply froze. Red thought that he might've killed him… which would've been somewhat ironic. Though, Zim finally spoke up, a clear sense of excitement in his voice. "Oh, yes, yes, my Tallest. You are absolutely welcome to come to Earth whenever you like. I'll drop anything and everything for you to come stay in my base. I'll make you some of your favorite treats for your and Tallest Purple's arrival. It'll be the special day where I can show you my plans for destroying the Earth and offering its resources to you."

"Fine, I look forward to it," Red said nonchalantly. "But Purple will not be joining us, and we will not be talking much about invasion business."

"Oh?" Zim asked, confused. "Then what could we possibly talk about?"

"You'll see," Red said. "Expect me in a couple of days. I expect you to transmit schematics for a human disguise to my personal Voot cruiser."

"Yes, my Tallest," Zim said. "I'll give you plenty of choices so that you can pick your most favorite." Zim gave a soft giggle, though he got rid of it since he knew he had to be professional.

"Whatever, see you in a couple of days," Red said. He shut off the transmission before he could give any hints to his true intentions. He didn't want to believe it himself of what he was about to do, but he would go mad if he didn't act on his thoughts. They've been plaguing him for several days.

"Romance is a battlefield," Red whispered to himself. "And I've been in a battlefield ever since I was created. That's what makes me an irken."

Red took his Voot cruiser and rode it to Earth at maximum speed. Even with that, it still took him roughly two days to get to the planet.

Along the way, Zim followed up on his orders and sent Red twenty schematics for different human disguises. Though, each disguise was a slight change in wig, outfit, and human eye color. Otherwise, the concept was exactly like Zim's. Red sighed and chose a simple schematic with a black wig, long grey shirt, and black pants. Red asked Zim about it. 'They're the social norm on this planet,' Zim responded. 'Those clothes are what are considered hip and cool.'

Red looked at the full-body mirror in his cruiser and posed for himself. He wasn't particularly fond of the style, though he knew he was a bit biased since he wore his uniform at all hours other than when he goes to his room to relax. Though, he had to admit that the clothes were far more comfortable than his uniform, giving his body room to breathe. Every time he saw his bare back, he would see marks embedded into his skin due to his tight torso piece.

After finalizing his disguise choice, he slowly landed onto Earth near Zim's coordinates. He put on a cloaking device around his ship and landed in Zim's yard. He instructed Zim to clear any obstructions, so the gnomes were properly stored underground.

Red stepped out of his ship and looked around. It was the middle of the day, which meant other humans were already outside doing their own thing. Though, they didn't seem to pay him any mind, so he didn't care too much. He went up to Zim's door and simply opened it. He didn't feel like knocking.

"Zim?" Red asked.

"Oh, you're here!" Zim exclaimed as he ran out of the kitchen. He was wearing a white apron that said "Best cook" on it and two red cooking mittens. "I was just in the middle of baking you some delicious pastries that you can munch on while we talk. They should be finished shortly."

Red looked up and down Zim's and almost chuckled to himself. He looked silly, and... 'And what?' Red thought to himself. And the irken version of adorable, he thought. How was that possible? "Yes, very good. I… I… I need a moment to myself. Give yourself some time to finish your… cooking."

"Oh yes, my Tallest," Zim said, giving a goofy smile. "Are you unwell, may I ask? Your face is looking to be a bit of a darker green."

Red put a hand on his head and noticed that he was heating up a bit. He was getting noticeably flustered, and this was frustrating to him. "No, I'm fine. Just get out of the room for a second."

"Yes, my Tallest," Zim said, saluting before returning to the kitchen.

Red sat down on the couch and relaxed for a second. "You're such a coward. A big, tall, handsome coward," Red whispered to himself. "Can't even ask a simple question for curiosity's sake without getting embarrassed. Just go in there and tell him. He's a curious irken, too. He'll get it." Red left out a heavy sigh. "And now I'm talking to myself. Is there an end to this madness?"

Red quickly stood up from the couch and walked over to the kitchen. The smells on the inside were entirely intoxicating since there were fresh muffins on the counter. Red's favorite kind, a strange irken flavor.

"Feeling better, I hope," Zim said. "I prepared all of your favorites, just as I remembered them."

"Yes, yes, thank you," Red said, impressed that Zim knew so much about him. "Listen, Zim. Just drop what you're doing right now. I don't care anymore. I need to say something to you."

"It sounds like it's of grave importance. Say it quickly. Say it to Ziiim."

"Romance is a battlefield!" Red quickly said, clearly not thinking about it. "I-I mean, you're romantic, Zim. No! I like you, Zim!"

Zim blinked, moving his listening from one phrase to the next, making sure that he got everything he said correctly. "Mmm?" Zim mumbled. "You like, Zim? Perhaps you mean as an invader above all else."

"No, Zim," Red said. "You know exactly what I mean."

"But, my Tallest," Zim said. "Isn't it taboo for affections to be exerted by an irken?"

"If I told you I didn't care, would you still believe that?"

Zim blinked. "Uuuum… I will follow anything you say, my Tallest. I guess I don't know what to do in response to this. I would be a lying irken if I said I haven't had dreams to once hold the affections of my Tallest."

"Zim, just stop with the formals for a second," Red said. "Talk to me like you would talk to anyone else."

"I doubt you would like that," Zim said.

"Try me," Red said.

"Oh… okay," Zim said. "As you wish, my Tallest." He swallowed and cleared his throat. "Zim will never hold his affections for anyone," he yelled. "Not even you, Red."

Red approached Zim, almost satisfied that someone had actually talked down to him. It was a nice change to his normal routine. "That's a good start, Zim. Keep at it."

"Eeeh," Zim thought for a moment. "Zim refuses to be held down. Even your leadership cannot control me."

"Yeah? This can." Red slowly connected his head with Zim's head. It was affectionate and yet it was dominating. He wanted to try something entirely different and he was liking it. "Yell at me again."

"Uh-… uh, I can't," Zim said. He was getting clearly shy at this point.

"Really, now?" Red asked. "Then perhaps my entire trip here was a waste."

"No, no!" Zim exclaimed. "No, no. I can think of something. Um… I bet you would make a terrible lover."

"Oh? I'm going to have to prove you wrong then, Zim."

"How do you propose you're going to do that?" Zim asked, legitimately curious.

"Let's start with this," Red said as he leaned forward and planted a small kiss on Zim's lips. That was the first thing that he saw the irkens do when they were affectionate with each other. As he continued it for a moment, he was a bit confused as to why people enjoyed it so much. He figured it would make him feel really good like he was told, but it was just incredibly awkward. He separated the kiss and eventually said, "That didn't mean anything to you, did it?"

"From you? It was very special," Zim said. "Anything is special from an Almighty Tallest."

"Be honest with me," Red said.

Zim looked away. "It was gross. I felt gross doing it."

Red groaned as he walked away. "This is so stupid! Why am I doing this?"

"If you'll allow me my Tallest, may I ask why you wanted to do this?" Zim asked. "It seems like something that even you wouldn't attempt."

"Curiosity is a terrible thing, Zim," Red said. "If you ever get infected with curiosity, you should just take off your PAK and waste away."

Zim shivered a bit, not even wanting to take about it. "Okay, fine. But… what will you do about it, my Tallest?"

"Well, first you're going to stop calling me your tallest," Red said. "The formalities are just stupid right now. Second… I don't know. I came all of this way just for a lousy kiss and an attempt at romance. Why would I ever do that for so little?"

"May I suggest something?" Zim asked.

"It better be a good suggestion."

"If I'm feeling down and I would want to do something with someone else… I'd go into a random building, kick every last human out, and blow it up and watch it burst into flames." Zim laughed with his normal diabolical laugh before eventually calming down. "Doesn't that sound fun, my Tal-… Red?"

Red thought for a moment, then nodded his head. "Yeah, Zim. That sounds like a lot of fun."